Heavy on My Heart

tschai

My friend over at New Things posted this the other day: “Where you are is where he promised to be, from the ends of the world, to every point of the need!”

My oldest son has been heavy on my heart and my mind, more so that usual.  My son is a wonderful, loving, trusting and generous man.  He sees the good in everyone (even when they have proven him wrong more than once!).  He’s intelligent.  He’s funny.  He’s an amazing father. He has so much to offer this world.

Yet, you see, he struggles.  Every time that his world begins going in the right direction, it crumbles.  As a mother, it tears my heart up!  There is so much that you want to do for your children, you never want to see them in pain, but as much as I want to make things right for him, I can’t.  I can be there to hear his sadness, his pain.  I can give direction.  Yet I can’t make it better, I can’t make it right.

In the early morning darkness, as I was driving home from seeing Hubs, so many thoughts, words and feelings came rushing at me.  How can I help my son?  I can make things right?

Only God can help him.  Only God can make things right.

I prayed that God would give me the right words to say to him.  I prayed that the words that I say to him would touch his heart.

When I got home, I did my Quiet Time.  I was out of sorts as I still had him rushing through my mind.  I got on to Facebook to see what was going on in the world.  The same friend posted this, “Like the world’s gone mad, like your heart and head have just up and shattered over night and you are sitting in a mess trying to put the pieces together again and we all get old and there’s no defying it and you aren’t all you want to be and neither is anyone you love.

God had given me the words to begin to express to him what his life was like.  It seemed to express what he is going through moment by moment of every day.

So I do what I do best and wrote him this letter:

As I drove home from seeing Hubs this morning you were heavy on my heart.  I’ve prayed that I will have the right words to say to you.  I’ve prayed that the words that I say touch your heart.

I love you so much!  I worry and pray about you a lot.  You have been through so much and yet you can’t seem to get on your feet.  Yes, you have good periods but then it comes down, like a heavy rain, again.

This morning one of my friends posted this: “Like the world’s gone mad, like your heart and head have just up and shattered over night and you are sitting in a mess trying to put the pieces together again and we all get old and there’s no defying it and you aren’t all you want to be and neither is anyone you love.

It touched me, because I feel as if it applies to you.

You are such a wonderful, generous, loving man.  (Yes, I said it “man”!)  You have so much to offer the world!

I hate to see you struggle, especially knowing that I can do nothing to make it better, make it right.  That’s what I want to do but I can’t.

What I can do is tell you something…something that can change your life for the better.  I think it’s your time to lay it down.  You’ve tried to do it on your own, you know that something is missing (I know that you can feel it!), you know that you want more, you want better.  You’ve tried to do it alone.  You’ve always tried to do the right thing yet it seems to backfire at every turn.

Have you ever thought that it may be God trying to bring you to Him?

Yes, I know how you feel about the whole “God” thing…but just hear me out.  What is going on in your life isn’t working.  You can continue this way with the weight of the world on your shoulders.  You can continue to struggle alone. Or…you can take a leap of faith and say “I can’t do this alone anymore, help me.”

I have made many mistakes as a parent.  I, too, thought that I could go it alone.  Obviously, I was proven wrong.

What happened that night was a gift from God.  Yes, I know that you were hurt in the process, but if you look back on it it could have been much, much worse.  That night put me at the end.  The end of everything I thought my life should be.  Yet, God opened doors.  I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to support your brother and I, yet I did.  Maybe not for all the extras, but the bills got paid, we got fed.  I thought that I would have to go live with my parents but a home came available.  I thought that I would never love again, but God brought me the most amazing man into my life bringing me all I could have hoped for in a man.  As I look back on our lives, I can see God working at every turn.

I would like you to think about how your life could be different.  I would like you to think about how it would be to have someone always on your side.  I would like you to think about having someone with you always, never leaving you.  I would like you to think about laying it down.

In my heart, I know that God is calling out to you to come to Him.  I know this without a shadow of a doubt.  I know too, that He won’t force you to come.  He’s waiting for you.  Emoji

I love you!

Mom

May he come to the Father as I have.  In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

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