One of my 2013 words is PRESENT. I want to stay in the present, not looking back. Sounds so easy now doesn’t it? Let go of the past and move to present… the here…the now. But (isn’t there always a but?) I’ve come to understand that sometimes you have to look back to come to the PRESENT.
I don’t like looking back, I really don’t. There is pain, hurt and shame back there; I don’t want to feel that.
Something came up this week… it hurt alot. I tried to push it away but I couldn’t. Yet I stayed in the PRESENT. Staying in the present meant that I hurt..alot. I was confused. I closed off my heart. I was pulling away. I was quiet (very much unlike me). Yet I stayed in the PRESENT.
Hubs just knew something was wrong but I couldn’t say it. Saying it meant maybe hearing what I didn’t want to hear. Saying it might mean the same old pain, hurt and shame. I kept quiet, just letting the thoughts swirl around in my head.
This morning in quiet time “Believe and turn to God. Stay true and strong in FAITH. Be filled with the Lord. Be blessed. Things will go smoothly.”
I just let my mind go… I let it go back to the hurt, pain and shame. I felt those feelings all over again. I just let my mind go… letting it re-live it all over again. I thought I had forgiven and been ready to move forward. But my heart told me that I hadn’t forgiven all that I should have…yes, I have forgiven the physical but not the emotional abuse. I thought I had but I hadn’t. I knew I hadn’t because I was reacting to this the same way I had in the past. I was feeling trapped and it was affecting my blessing, my trust. I was allowing the hurt, the pain, the shame from the past to affect how I was reacting in the PRESENT.
God asks us to forgive because He knows that we are made for more. He also knows that it’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. God is with me… holding my hand and telling me that the path that I’m on is the right one.
So I did something that in the past I would never do… I questioned. The answer was one of devoted love! The wall I had built around my heart crumbled immediately… my heart sung! My past is not my PRESENT!