Have you ever noticed that when your life begins to change for the better the people around you change? They change in a way that isn’t very nice, in a way that hurts, in a way that you wouldn’t think was possible.
Oh, during the “drama” everyone was right by my side. They wanted to hear everything, they wanted to be the one who was closest to me. At the time, I thought that they wanted to show me love, to show me that things would be okay. I felt funny about it, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I kept most things inside, only letting God know what I was feeling, what I was thinking. I felt so guilty for feeling that way. I felt I was pushing people aside that truly wanted to be there through one of the most horrible times of my life.
As I began to forgive, to truly forgive with my whole heart, when I released the hold that the past had on me, I began to get strong, to get my bearings. I began to have FAITH that my life wasn’t over, that there was more for me out in that big world. I began to move forward in utter confidence that the path that God was guiding me on was my path. I can honestly say that I didn’t hold back, I went head first on this new path. I wasn’t going to compare my new future with the hurts of my past. I was looking at my life with new eyes, with a new heart. I wasn’t going to stay with the status quo. I was going to be me!
Then I fell in love for the first time. As you know, it happened quickly. Things moved fast because of the path that God had put us on. It was now or never. I chose the now in FAITH. Nothing felt wrong, everything felt right. This man God made for me fit in all the way around. It was like he had always been a part of my life.
The day Hubs met my family is one of the best days of my life. Here is this man who I love with my whole heart, just fit into my wacked out family from the first minute. There was no awkwardness. There he was talking with my father (my father never talked to the “others”), laughing with my mother, running around the house with a squirt gun with my granddaughter and nieces. It was like he had always been a part of us. That was the day that we told my family our plan… of his new career path and where it would lead us.
The next morning, my mother called me in tears. I was getting upset because I couldn’t understand what she was trying to say. Then it came it out “Donna, you must follow your heart with this man. You must go where he goes and be where he is. If you don’t do this, your whole life you will be regretting. This is the man for you. This is the man who loves and adores you. Go.” Now you have to understand my mother to understand why this is so important to me…I have always been near her. She is my best friend. We are more like sisters than mother and daughter. But, my mother is extremely controlling, she wants me near, she wants to be a part of everything in my life. So this was amazing to me, that she would think of my needs, that she was actually saying go.
Yet, with an engagement ring on my finger, with wedding plans being thrown together, with dealings with movers and packing, those who were closest to me during the “drama” didn’t want any part of this wonderful path. The same people who wanted to hear about my pain were the same people who didn’t believe this love. They made comments “You are not ready for love”, “you have things to complete before you can even consider moving on”.
I was both hurt and confused. Why? Why would you want to hear about my pain but not my love, my new life beginning? Why would you want to see me fall apart instead of seeing me stand tall, glowing in love?
I began to think that maybe, just maybe, they wanted it hear the bad because in some way that helped them believe that their life was a little bit better. That they could think “at least I don’t have to go through that” when my world crashed down around me. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never really felt better when people are having a difficult time. I’ve always wanted to help in anyway I could. I’ve always wanted to be there for their wonderful times. To know that God is in the wings of our lives.
It’s the same thing when you began to walk on the path with God beside you, sometimes ahead of you leading you. People don’t want to hear, they don’t want to believe. God doesn’t “fit” in this world. This world is all about egos, about being better than everyone else, of having more, having better.
Yet, I have found in the most unusual place, new friends. Friends that I have no fear of my words, who make me laugh, who share their hopes, their struggles. So, although I grieve for my friends of the past, my new friends are the ones of my future. They are the friends that I need now on my path.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11