I begin another day in the present. Another day of living moment by moment. Today Tolle tells me that I need to “feel” my emotions; that by not feeling your emotions or cutting them off, you will eventually feel them on a physical level.
My whole life I haven’t felt my emotions…I haven’t wanted to deal with painful things, so I just tossed them aside for a later time. One day at a time, step by step. I didn’t want to know what my emotions meant or how they affected the way that I responded to the world or the world responded to me.
Looking back (isn’t hindsight wonderful?) I can see how that is true. During my most stressful times, sickness would invade. My body was showing me that things needed to change, but yet I refused.
That later time came on May 31, 2011 when God said it was time. I didn’t have the option of refusing. I had to deal with the pain, I had to deal with the hurt, I had to deal with the regrets. But it was also a time of strength and growth. God was beside me the entire time, holding me and leading me away from things and people who were not to be on my path anymore. It was a very scary time. The end had finally come. A new life was on the brink whether I wanted it or not. No choices for me.
The next few months were a time of grieving for all the time that was wasted, for the people who I would no longer have a connection with. A time of feeling the hurt but also a time of growing stronger and more in control of myself and my life. I began to talk to God about all my feelings, then to others. I came to realize that I deserved more…more love, more happiness, more joy, just more.
I moved out into the world, not tentatively, but jumped right in. God brought new people to my path. Not necessarily people who were meant to stay but people who taught me new and exciting things about myself and the world around me. These people didn’t even realize the amazing gifts they were giving me. They were giving me choices, they were giving me feelings, they were teaching me how to cope with things, they were teaching me how to be open, to express my feelings and thoughts without fear of judgements. I was beginning to feel joy and contentment for the first time.
Then God put my gift/blessing on my path. He dropped him right in. I wasn’t sure about this gift, I had just begun a new life filled with new people, new places, a new me. God was insistent on this…this is the one. The one who you are ready for, the one who understands you completely, the one I’ve made just for you. He blessed me with my Hubs!
I made excuses…I’m not ready yet, there are too many issues, I want to keep dating but God was not listening to me. He knew who I needed and he knew who Hubs needed. Things happened quickly….a wedding, a move to another state all within two months.
God was right! (DUH!) Hubs is the one God made just for me (Hubs feels the same way). Hubs is the one who has allowed me to feel my emotions, who accepts them, who has helped me to name and understand my emotions and where they come from, who doesn’t judge my emotions. Sometimes I feel like he got way more than he bargained for! My roller coaster of emotions! He’s the one who holds me and makes me feel safe as I feel these emotions flow out of me with such intensity from being bottled up for so very long.
Tolle says that your thinking and emotions can play a vicious cycle, feeding off each other. I don’t believe that’s always the case. For me, as I become fully conscious of my emotions and feel them I’m able to come to terms with them. To understand why each emotion is there and am able to release the negative ones. It seems some emotions take a bit longer to deal with but with understanding they are not taking over my life anymore. As my negative emotions are leaving, the positive ones are become more prominent, these are the emotions I want to feel. The love, the joy, the peacefulness in my life.
Tolle also says that there are two levels to pain; the pain you create now and the pain from the past that still lives in your mind and body…that my dear friends, is something for another day.